Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
NO!
NO! NO! NO!.....I am not ready for snow. Much to my horror, there is snow on the ground.
How could I end up living in the snow capital? Anyone want to trade places? There are three major ski resorts within fifteen minutes from my house.
As they say in Portuguese "Deus da nozes a quem nao tem dentes" (God gives walnuts to the toothless)
NO! NO! NO!.....I am not ready for snow. Much to my horror, there is snow on the ground.
How could I end up living in the snow capital? Anyone want to trade places? There are three major ski resorts within fifteen minutes from my house.
As they say in Portuguese "Deus da nozes a quem nao tem dentes" (God gives walnuts to the toothless)
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Just when I think that this grieving thing is over, it sneaks upon me once more, much like a stone inside your shoe, it cannot be ignored.
Six years ago today, I was sitting at my father's bedside keeping vigil as I had done for the five weeks he had been paralyzed. I sensed that the end was near. Nothing much changed on this night. Just a knowing without knowing. His breathing seemed more rapid than before, although it was by no means labored. I spent the entire night watching over him. Afraid that he would slip away if I fell asleep. I rested my head on the side of his chest and waited for dawn to break.
Around 10:40 I realized that I had not fed his beloved animals. I went into the yard, casting some cracked wheat to his many pigeons. Gave his six chickens some fresh water and corn. I wasn't gone for more than five minutes. Within those five minutes, my father died. Although he had been comatose for a few days, he opened his eyes for my mother, smiled , and raised his head to kiss her. Then, he just stopped breathing.
It was very hard for me to accept this timing. I so much wanted to be by his side as he drew his last breath.....I did however, witness the exhale of his last breath as I held him close to me.
Anniversaries. They sneak up on you and stir the old wounds. They draw blood from where you were sure there was no longer a scab, only a scar. I was so glad it was raining when I realized that my scab was torn today. No one realized that I was crying.
Rain, just rain.
Six years ago today, I was sitting at my father's bedside keeping vigil as I had done for the five weeks he had been paralyzed. I sensed that the end was near. Nothing much changed on this night. Just a knowing without knowing. His breathing seemed more rapid than before, although it was by no means labored. I spent the entire night watching over him. Afraid that he would slip away if I fell asleep. I rested my head on the side of his chest and waited for dawn to break.
Around 10:40 I realized that I had not fed his beloved animals. I went into the yard, casting some cracked wheat to his many pigeons. Gave his six chickens some fresh water and corn. I wasn't gone for more than five minutes. Within those five minutes, my father died. Although he had been comatose for a few days, he opened his eyes for my mother, smiled , and raised his head to kiss her. Then, he just stopped breathing.
It was very hard for me to accept this timing. I so much wanted to be by his side as he drew his last breath.....I did however, witness the exhale of his last breath as I held him close to me.
Anniversaries. They sneak up on you and stir the old wounds. They draw blood from where you were sure there was no longer a scab, only a scar. I was so glad it was raining when I realized that my scab was torn today. No one realized that I was crying.
Rain, just rain.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
After a six year interruption, the old equipment in the cellar came alive again.
My hands are tinged purple from dancing with the juice of my father's grapes. After a six year moratorium, we had a "vindima" this year. The last one was very painful since my father fell ill on the day we finished. He waited until the last grandchild left to collapse with what would be his final cerebral hemorrhage. I recall trying to save the wine that had been crushed into the barrels. It was an impossible task for one person to accomplish alone. I recall crying in despair as the reality of the situation became more than I could take. My father laid upstairs paralyzed and the fruits of his last labor slipped away gushing out of my control onto the floor.....
Perhaps this milestone marks the end of the deep grieving.
During the vindima, we spread some of my father's ashes onto the yard. This had been a request of his. My mother had strong objections but went along with it. It was the most serene, I would almost call it "sacred" experience. Our guests and the family went into the garden late at night through a pathway lit with candles inside chinese lanterns. Each one of us carried a candle. My father rests under an apple tree in this piece of land that he loved so.
Since that date, my mother has been rather agitated. The ground is not hallowed. She holds her beliefs tightly to the strings of the Catholic Church. An institution that has been so cruel to her, but she continues to hold it in a place that I cannot an will never understand.
Yesterday, a priest came over with a family friend. This property is somewhat famous around these parts and people like to visit. It is a little Eden in the middle of the city. Most unusual indeed.
My mother requested that the priest bless the land. In her eyes/heart this would make it right.
I was overjoyed when his comments were exactly the same as mine. As he told my mother, that land was more than blessed by my father's toil and sweat. His love of it had blessed it long ago.
Nevertheless, he blessed it to make an old woman's heart beat more peacefully.
My hands are tinged purple from dancing with the juice of my father's grapes. After a six year moratorium, we had a "vindima" this year. The last one was very painful since my father fell ill on the day we finished. He waited until the last grandchild left to collapse with what would be his final cerebral hemorrhage. I recall trying to save the wine that had been crushed into the barrels. It was an impossible task for one person to accomplish alone. I recall crying in despair as the reality of the situation became more than I could take. My father laid upstairs paralyzed and the fruits of his last labor slipped away gushing out of my control onto the floor.....
Perhaps this milestone marks the end of the deep grieving.
During the vindima, we spread some of my father's ashes onto the yard. This had been a request of his. My mother had strong objections but went along with it. It was the most serene, I would almost call it "sacred" experience. Our guests and the family went into the garden late at night through a pathway lit with candles inside chinese lanterns. Each one of us carried a candle. My father rests under an apple tree in this piece of land that he loved so.
Since that date, my mother has been rather agitated. The ground is not hallowed. She holds her beliefs tightly to the strings of the Catholic Church. An institution that has been so cruel to her, but she continues to hold it in a place that I cannot an will never understand.
Yesterday, a priest came over with a family friend. This property is somewhat famous around these parts and people like to visit. It is a little Eden in the middle of the city. Most unusual indeed.
My mother requested that the priest bless the land. In her eyes/heart this would make it right.
I was overjoyed when his comments were exactly the same as mine. As he told my mother, that land was more than blessed by my father's toil and sweat. His love of it had blessed it long ago.
Nevertheless, he blessed it to make an old woman's heart beat more peacefully.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
While picking up my prescriptions at Wegman's this afternoon, I couldn't help but overhear the exchange between a customer and a pharmacy employee. The young employee approaches the elderly lady and says: Do you have a deductible in your insurance coverage? I do, replies the lady. It seems that a deductible was applied. These prescriptions are VERY EXPENSIVE. Did you process them through my insurance? asks the elderly lady. The girl, rather nervously says: Yes. How much are they? This one is THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS. THIS ONE IS THREE HUNDRED.....and by then I was so upset, that I did not even hear the exact amount. The elderly lady stood frozen with her credit card in hand. She did not move or speak. The young associate asks: Do you want them? The elderly lady finally moves her hand to extend the credit card and says: I need them........ Close to SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.....TOTAL!
I could not remain silent. Out loud I said: To think of all these morons who have been disrupting town meetings instead of trying to find out what the proposed health care plan is all about. These agitators, no doubt motivated by those putting their efforts into derailing this program, paid no doubt by insurance and drug lobbies, want to make it clear that they GOT THEIRS and the rest of the American population, those millions without any health coverage can just go F--K themselves. The ignorance...the ignorance.
Yet, I am sure that none of these "CONCERNED CITIZENS" will refuse the Social Security checks when they retire, TRUE, they made discounts, but how many of them will have contributed as much as they will receive? Isn't that a government run program? Is that also Socialism? I don't know what is greater, the ignorance or the stupidity!
I could not remain silent. Out loud I said: To think of all these morons who have been disrupting town meetings instead of trying to find out what the proposed health care plan is all about. These agitators, no doubt motivated by those putting their efforts into derailing this program, paid no doubt by insurance and drug lobbies, want to make it clear that they GOT THEIRS and the rest of the American population, those millions without any health coverage can just go F--K themselves. The ignorance...the ignorance.
Yet, I am sure that none of these "CONCERNED CITIZENS" will refuse the Social Security checks when they retire, TRUE, they made discounts, but how many of them will have contributed as much as they will receive? Isn't that a government run program? Is that also Socialism? I don't know what is greater, the ignorance or the stupidity!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
What was supposed to be a time of getting to know each other, and start building their own little nest, the worst possible news. Instead of having a six month period before deployment, my son in law, this child, has been informed that he will be leaving for Afghanistan on August 26th.
This war was very personal to me. I had no idea of how much more deeply personal it would become. I feel a profound sadness for those
"serving" and all the life milestones that they are missing. There are no words left for those that will never return and the suffering of the loved ones.
God, keep him safe.......
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